Things we do that undermine our self-confidence

You’re not good enough… You’re not good enough… The inner voice goes on and on and it’s overwhelming. Why is it we sometimes feel inadequate despite all our successes, achievements and recognition by others? We have all the reasons to feel confident so why don’t we? Healthy self-confidence is something we all want as leaders. Yet there are certain things that we do, often unconsciously, that undermine our self-confidence, making us doubt ourselves and limit our potential. Today I want to talk to you about one of these things that I consider crucial, however it hasn’t made it to the front pages of the popular leadership manuals yet…

WE ALL WANT IT…

We all want to feel self-confident. To have that feeling of strength coming from within, that no matter what comes your way, you can trust in yourself and your abilities; you accept yourself exactly as you are. You are comfortable in your own skin and recognize your strengths and your weaknesses; you know what you know and what you don’t know.

True self-confidence is crucial for everyone and more so for you – a leader. The spotlight is on you, every day you need to confront challenging situations and withstand the pressures that come with them, to stand up for yourself and your people. Self-confidence is the foundation of your success as a leader.

CULTIVATING SELF-CONFIDENCE

Let me first clarify one thing. Although it would be wonderful to always feel strong and 100% self-confident, let’s face it, that’s impossible. Our level of self-confidence fluctuates, there are days we feel more confident than others, there are situations and people we feel more confident around than with others. This is reality. The important thing is to have a good ‘baseline’ level of self-confidence independent of any external circumstances or conditions. If your confidence is overly dependent on your boss patting you on the back every time you do a good job or your partner telling you how hot you look, you run the risk of feeling quite inadequate most of the time.

To have a good baseline level of self-confidence takes conscious effort. It’s the same as with staying fit and healthy. If you want to keep your six-pack, a lean toned body that is a pleasure to look at, you have to put in the hours of physical exercise and avoid the junk food you so crave.

To maintain healthy self-esteem and confidence, there are things you want to do and also things you ought to avoid.

In this article I don’t intent to provide you any life-changing advice or a general list of things to do every day to boost up your self-confidence. No, I want to focus on one specific thing we do that diminishes our self-confidence: Not telling the truth (or the whole truth).

THE THINGS WE DO…

Yes, you heard me right: not telling the truth. “Alena, are you calling me a liar?” I can hear your objections already. No, I am not calling you a liar. I certainly hope that you’re not going around telling outright lies to anyone. And if you do, then you ought to have a serious chat with yourself and better still, with your psychotherapist. I am talking about things that are much more subtle. Little things we tell each other in conversations that sound polite and charming, but don’t really mean a thing. We should have a coffee sometime! OR I‘ll call you! OR How very interesting, I’ll be in touch… etc.

These are phrases that when you hear them, you already know that the call will never come, that the coffee encounter will never take place… It’s just a polite, empty phrase that sounds pleasing to the ear but is void of any meaning.

I had to laugh when I watched the popular fairy tale “Into The Woods” and Prince Charming say, “I was raised to be charming, not sincere!” How many of us charmers are out there? Saying things we don’t really mean but they sound like just the right thing to say to make others feel good.

And here’s another example. Remember a time someone asked for a favor or made a proposal to you and you said YES whilst your entire body was screaming NO? You said YES because saying NO would put you in an uncomfortable spot, or could hurt someone’s feelings, or god forbid, would put you in danger of becoming unpopular?!

THE CONSEQUENCES CAN BE HARSH…

I know, it sounds trivial. It is not. Every time you say something you do not really mean you’re undermining your self-confidence. You are losing a piece of yourself. You hear words coming out of your own mouth, knowing they carry no weight – they are meaningless and cannot be trusted. This has a tremendous impact on your self-esteem and confidence. Similarly, every time you say YES to something or someone when you really want to say NO, you’re undermining your self-confidence. By saying YES to others you’re saying NO to yourself, you’re disrespecting your own wishes and opinions, that’s a major blow to your confidence.

YOUR 24-HOUR CHALLENGE

If anything I just said resonates with you, I’ll share with you a little challenge I gave myself years ago. During the next 24 hours monitor all your interactions with others, at work, at home, or anywhere you move throughout the day. Pay a close attention to all that you say. Do you really mean it? Will you do as you say or is it just a polite, empty phrase? And if it is, why are you saying it? What is the benefit you’re getting by saying it? Consider whether the benefit is worth the damage you’re causing to your self-confidence… Try it and if you dare, share with me your insights. You may find, just like I did years ago, that you’re the perfect Prince/Princess Charming. It’s very disconcerting but at least now you know and now you have the possibility to do something about it.

SO THERE YOU HAVE IT…

Speaking the truth! I believe it is hugely underrated yet crucial for our true self-confidence. Could you just imagine if we all started to pay more attention to the words we speak? If we embraced honesty instead of charm and false politeness? For me, honesty is not only a sign of self-love and respect and the foundation of our inner strength but honesty opens up a new level of communication and connection between people, much deeper and more meaningful. Remember, even bad news or rejection can be communicated with empathy, love and respect; even uncomfortable information or conversation can serve its purpose – sometimes it is just the thing the other needs to hear because it can inspire action or a change in behavior.

And so, next time you have the urge to say yes when you really want to say no, or when you turn on your charms, please think twice. We don’t need any more Prince(s) Charmings in this world. There are enough of them already! We need the strong, confident you to set an example for others and lead in your authentic way in this world!

By Alena Huberova
Presentation Coach and Speaker
Feminine Leadership Trainer
www.alenahuberova.com
alena@alenahuberova.com

ABOUT ALENA HUBEROVA

Alena assists business leaders all over Europe in developing a powerful personal presence on and off-stage, and delivering presentations that get people’s buy-in and inspire action. She acts as a mentor for startups helping them design and deliver winning business pitches. More recently she’s been focusing on helping female leaders to embrace their authentic & feminine self and let it shine at work and beyond!

She has a professional background in sales, marketing and communication in a variety of sectors including IT, travel and tourism, wellness and beauty. She lived and worked in 5 different countries in Europe and Asia.

In collaboration with Presenation.com, she coached the X.GLU Czech Team to win the world title at the Microsoft Imagine Cup in 2017. Alena’s other achievements include being a speaker at the TEDx UNYP 2017 conference and winning the second place in the 2018 Czech National Championship of Public Speaking.